I Hope It Gets Worse For Dan Savage

Because he and guys like him are hate mongers

==============

You hate yourselves so much, Mr. Savage(s)

And you want us to hate you just as much

I do not will not won't

-------

You tell boys "It gets better"?

but

I'll bet you hate yourself just as much as when you were 14

The path to freedom is kindness and passion and the search for knowledge and truth

Not naming a sex act after that fucked up Senator from PA

------

Your hate mongering reminds me of an article I saw in Newsweek

About Alexei Navalny

His solution is just as bad as the problem

------

Do you think that hating Senator Santorum

Is helping things?

Do you really think hating Senator Santorum

Is helping things?

-----

I'll admit

If you and all the faggots want equality

Your path is the one to take

Happy Birthday To Some Hollywood Royalty

Patton Oswalt!

I kid. I kid.

Happy 48th Birthday to a guy's girl, a low maintenance honey, a girl as high as a kite and hot as a pistol, a great roommate, and better reporter: Bridget Fonda

No news is most definitely good news. I think

==================

Movies of Hers I've Seen:

1998
A Simple Plan
Sarah
Dude, I feel that way all the time. Keep Paxton the fuck away from me

1997
Jackie Brown
Melanie Ralston
When Quentin was sane

1994
It Could Happen to You
Yvonne Biasi
When Nic was sane

1992
Army of Darkness
Linda
Pretty cool

1992
Singles
Janet Livermore
What a movie! What a soundtrack!

1992
Single White Female
Allison 'Allie' Jones
Great flick, man

1991
Doc Hollywood
Nancy Lee Nicholson
She was in this? Sorry, I was distracted

1990
The Godfather: Part III
Grace Hamilton
The best thing in the movie

1989
Shag
Melaina
Fun!

1989
Scandal
Mandy Rice-Davies
Great fucking movie. Seriously.


1969
Easy Rider
Child in Commune
The teachers when I went to high school were all ex-hippies and were crazy for this movie. It doesn't make sense. The final scene? Cool. But the graveyard? Hopper was higher than Zdeno Chara when they filmed that!


My gut is that I hope I never see her on screen again...

Thanks, Bridget

Athletic Careers of the Very Rich (and famous)

Bill Cosby -- Played a postion, fullback, at Temple that does not exist anymore.

Elizabeth Hasselbeck -- Bitch, EVERY senior is a captain. BC gives out the annual "E" award to the best cheerleader from the dugout. For real

Prince -- 4 years varsity basketball. Sang national anthem before each home game. Kicked off team for fighting senior year. The heartbreak. The heartbreak

Clooney -- What?

Jim Caviezel -- Played two seasons at a jc. For real

Ted Kennedy -- Was a hell of a ball player at Harvard. For real

John Wayne -- Played football at USC

Burt -- Played football at Florida State pre-cowboy hat (they sucked)

Sarah Palin -- Was a really gritty point, won a state title. Those days were the highlight of her life, outside of her family, I'll bet. I've been a fan of that family's since Amy's rap. For real

Dean Cain -- Played secondary in the Ivy League. That's no joke. Dean was good

Nixon -- Wanted to play as badly as I do and did. But he had no feel for the game. That play he drew up for Coach Allen against Shula? Nonsensical. Me? I kin coach!

Brit -- Point guard. Didn't play for very long. She had better things to do with her life

Bad Jokes, I Got Em

Did you hear the one about the psychiatrist who didn't want to kill himself?

Neither did I

Think about it

Good Calls

I hated "When Doves Cry"

I didn't get "The Joshua Tree"

I thought Sherman Douglas was the next DJ

I didn't enjoy "Bull Durham" the first time I saw it

I've been bamboozled for 20 years

my fifth favorite book is the first half of "The Executioners Song"

Ball? No

Ball? Yes

"Clifford" kills me

I never could figure out how to record "SCTV" on Friday nights

I voted for Dick Gephardt once

you're nuts if you think I know anything. I'm an idiot. An idiot

Alls I ever wanted was a family of my own

Yes!

"Southland" is back!

Advice?

Needs two laughs per episode ("ER"?)

Can't kill off the whole cast. Regina needs someone's ass to kick (meME?)

"Southland" has some of the best characters in the history of cop shows. Really cool people. When they killed my favorite dude last season I cried my eyes out. And the show went downhill for the rest of the season. If they ever kill Biceps O.C., well, that would not be good

I'm looking forward to Tuesday's episode

The Internet: Kremlin Says "We Likee"

Babyface made one fucking solo album in his whole career, in the 90s. I DARE YOU TO FIND IT

I remember when I was growing up hearing newscasters cast aspersions at the Russians for deleting disgraced leaders from official photographs

Oscar 2012 - A Night That Will In Infamy

It was a dark and stormy night

Nominations


Best Beard

Jennifer Garner and Matt Damon

Britney Spears

Russell Crowe

Drew Barrymore


Best Body

Kate Beckinsdale

Brit

Joe

Kate Beckinsdale


Best Death Scene

Ellen DeGeneres on "Ellen"

Cameron Diaz in "Bad Teacher"



Best Old Actress

Margaret Thatcher as Meryl Streep

Glenn Close

Tina Fay


Best Tough Guy

Jodie Foster in anything. Bitch is bad

Joe

Marky Mark

Liam Neeson


Best David Caruso Imitation

David Caruso

Jim Caviezal

Little Tommy Cruise in "MI:Whatever"



Best Abs

Joe

Cruise

Beiber

Ackroyd


Best Abs Post Pregnancy

lots of choices


Best Actor In A Reality

Joe


Best Song

Mary J. Blige




Best Actor
Ryan Gosling in The Ides of March
Brad Pitt in Moneyball
Leo in J. Edgar

The winner? Brad Pitt


Best Actress

Meryl in The Iron Lady
Jessica Chastain in The Tree of Life
Evan Rachel Wood in The Ides of March
Bryce Dallas Howard in The Help


Best Picture

The Help
Drive
Moneyball
Young Adult
Bridesmaids
The Tree of Life
Rise of the Planet of the Apes
J. Edgar
New Year's Eve
MI: Ghost Protocol

The winner? Young Adult

9/11 - If Marky Mark Was On Board

"Can we make it to Philly?"

"They really do look like ants"

"Autopilot? HAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Stew? More O'Douls!"

"I can get you guys Leo's autograph"

"Fuck 'Serendipity. Man, why don't they show my ape movie?"

"But I CAN dunk!"

"You know, I never set foot in Roxbury"

"You guys got any better magazines? Cuz these suck. I mean "Sporting News"? Who reads "Sporting News"?

"You know that Clooney movie about the goats and shit? Based on my life, dude"

"No man, I get asked that all the time. It's really me in the mirror"

"I'm looking for a role as a gay man, but there are no gay writers out in Hollywood to write it up. What can I do? My hands are tied. Really, I'm dying to kiss a dude on film. Dying to."

"My next project is 'The Chris Herroin Story: For Real." We're gonna change a few things. First, he plays at Copley Square High. Next, he's black. Third, he attends Harvard." Fourth, he actually plays in the Big Dance"

"I trained for 'The Fighter' for four years. Why did I throw hooks like Nathan Lane? Acting"

Choice Roles For Our Man Brick

"Gay Wedding Crashers" with Casey Affleck

the Jessica Lange role in the best "King Kong" flick

face painter

the mean coach in "Hoosiers"

the 4th Hanson Brother - the checking forward who gets in a lot of fights...yeah

John Cappelletti accepting the Heisman - "Jackie!"

the Uecker role in "Major League" - "That guy can't pitch inside! He just can't!"

beeper salesman boyfriend of Tina on "30 Rock" - "The high tech business is like a hockey game. No one understands the rules, and there's a lot of violence"

"Wimbledon" - the chick

the Steve Landesberg role on "Barney Miller" - except not as bright

"Mr. and Mrs. Brickley" - either role

"Sleeper" - Woody: "Yes, he was"

"Mr. Congeniality" - sexy walk, dude

Mark Walhberg aka Marky Mark aka Dorchester High aka Five Foot Seven aka Roid Rage

Marky Mark’s Arrest Record Made Public – You’re watching E! – The ONLY News Channel!

June 5th, 1971 – Born in Mass General in suite on 4th floor, weighing in at 4 pounds 4 ounces. Not a preemie, just really fucking small. Would stay that way

New Year's Eve - 1983 – First arrest. For open container of O’Douls on Boston Common while playing frisbee golf with MIT students (O’Douls - For Pussies!”)

1985 – Steroid possession (not use - possession) with intent to distribute

1986 – Arrested for scalping New Edition tickets to a couple of Weston High sophomores. MM wanted $1,000 for two nosebleeds (Weston kids: Good deal!)

1987 - Assault charge for attack on 87 years old Vietnamese launderer – MM reportedly yelled “get some!” during assault – the Vietnamese woman fought back and is doing 20- life for kicking the shit out of a poser pussy (now the truth must be told by E!)

1987 - Kicked out of Boston English High for being too fucking retaaded. And doing too much homework. Transferred to Dorchester High

1988 - Cut from Dorchester High JV b-ball team. Asked head coach if he could manage the team, wash towels, anything. Coach told him to get him a muffin (punk) at DD

1989 – Kicked out of Dorchester High for being too white (A first in school history). GPA at time? 3.4

1990 - Moved to Hollywood. Press flacks told everyone that MM was tough. Now you know the truth

License. To Fuck.

Our 1st Annual Fornication Licenses are going out today. The fee? 1,000 dollars per fuck. No no, wait. $1,000 per couple. Video tape offered to each licensee free of charge.

Brangelina? You get a license, if only to hear Brad scream "Bro!"

Clooney and that gorgeous Stacey Kiebler? You get a license. 60 day permit. We'll take a wait and see approach on that duo.

Tina and What's His Name (tm)? Sure. Fine. But I'll change the channel a lot. 5 minutes is a long time to wait.

Amy and her man? Amy isn't my type. She's bitchin' and all, but she ain't Joe's type. Now Quincy's kid? She my type.

Broe? We don't need no stinkin' license to fuck. We fuck a lot, man. At least twice a week. And yes, I am that big.

Jodie and herself? Two immaculate conceptions means we'd see Jodie do just about anything. We'd even watch "Panic Room" again. (maybe not)

Meryl and her "artist"? She's 50 years old! Are you crazy?

Carey? Mila? Natalie? Brittney? Senator Ayotte? Yes, please!

Jack? He's 50 years old! Are you crazy?

Steven and Kate? He'd be redoing my lighting and doing that stupid director hand thing the whole time. Pass. I'll just watch "1941" again.

Danny? Yes, please, for obvious reasons. Bad boy!

Charlize? Sorry, no license. Your'e not my type, kid. Too perfect.

Michelle? Michelle: If anyone deserves a good sexy time, you do, beautiful. Go crazy.

Viggo and Maria? For real this time. What?

Matt, JAn, Courtney, Lisa, David, and Matt: Can you do it one more time for me? This time on camera? Just like the good old days, right?

Bill and that tennis judge? Yes, please. What?

Sofia and Ty. As long as you guys keep it down. Get it?

Ummm....Gervais?

1) Let's get something straight between us, sir. I don't like you. And this is what I'm going to do about it: I'm going to be all over you like stink on a monkey (the meanest animal known to man)

2) I've been working on my fake British accent for hours. "Pardon?"

3) What am I wearing? Boxer briefs

4) "The Office" first spinoff - Kevin and Phyllis as Liz and Richard in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"

Just Talk

My heart is breaking again
Waking up at 1:30am
And talking to her and myself for four hours
About long ago stuff
She sweetly listens, I hope

Do you?
Do you care?

I never talked that long in my life
And for what?
To be held in a two room cell in a shitty little state in the dead of winter?

I never wanted to be anyone or anything
And now I'm someone
I don't want to be

Let me go home
Or I'll keep talking

Future Shock

Sunday - 5am - up and at 'em like a sleep deprived warrior

930am - gym

later this month - Air Force One flies me to LAX

I bitch about lack of good magazines to stew

Arrive in LA two hours behind schedule - take cab to Brit's double wide, knock on Brit's door. Her butler answers. Says snootily to me, "Pardon?" I fuck him up New England style, step over prone English body into Brit's living space. "Honey, I'm home" She rushes into my arms. "You're wearing that shirt?" I roll my eyes, kiss her like Al Gore kissing Tipper, except sexy. We embrace for a week

July 4th - Wedding - live on MTV

July 5th - Honeymoon in Bermuda

July 11 - first fight

July 12 - First makeup sex. (that will really happen)

August 4 - Joe arrested for sticking up a CVS in Brentwood and shouting at pharmacist, "Give me all your latuda and Huggies and step on it!"

late August - My initial rehab at "Crossroads - The Rehab for Attention Starved People" where I am "treated" by"doctors" for addiction to Latuda

leave later that night in pjs - meet famous baseball player Dustin Pedrioia on my way out - We make passionate love in the bushes - He teaches me the curvebvall

rehab 2.0 a week later after I am arrested at a Motel 6 near the airport for "too much nudity" and "being too huge" by Bad Boy LA cops - they ask for autograph, I offer to shake their hands. We compromise: I offer to do standup at the next Gay Policeman's Ball at Staples

MTV show titled "Crossroads - The Rehab of Broe" airs. Viewed by more folks than any 30 Rock episode. Not exactly what we were hoping for

Sex tape released on Amazon- "Brit 'N Joe 'R Broe" - length? 260 minutes - rated "Way Way Too Awesome For Walmart" - makes me my $100 million in an hour and a half

Divorce rumors started on E!

E! apologizes profusely for unknown reasons. Never says anything mean about anyone ever again. Rating jump

first child for Broe - Anne Ellen Sweeney - 6 pounds 10 ounces. 10/10. Nation weeps

Brit loses baby fat in two months no problem

second baby for Broe, a boy, named by Brit, her fourth child



Grandma Brit, Grandpa Joe

Broe buried in Arlington

Britch's PreNup - PreBroe Posturing

1) Matching belly button piercing thingees. Hers:"Broe" pendant, Mine:"ILU"

2) I'll always cook

3) I'll always do the dishes

4) I'll always say, "I love you" first

5) We tip a max of 8%, calculated on our beepers

6) We're always nice. Even to all the assholes

7) I close the bathroom door. No exceptions

8) I'm up at 8am. No later

9) She's up at 9am. No earlier

10) I limit sports to 4 hours a day

11) She goes to Laker games with me every once in a while

12) She doesn't change her fitness routine one fucking iota

13) We have sex 2x a week

14) I don't wear sunglasses much

15) She advices me on fashion

16) She makes her next album her best

17) I'm honest with her 99.99%

18) She doesn't stare at me too much

19) I stare at her constantly....what was I saying?

20) Fed-Ex is the best man

21) JAn is maid of honor

22) I limit my steroid intake. For obvious reason(s)

23) She stops constantly referring to me as "bloated"

24) I stop applying for a slot in "Dancing With The Reality TV Porn Stars" and "America's Biggest Loser: Joe Sweeney"

25) She goes on Leno. I go on Dave

26) I don't go Hollywood too soon. Maybe by the end of the month

27) I don't sell out for less than $100 million dollars

Hippy Dippy Weathermen

Um, Mr. Weatherman? Why don't you just admit that weather is a mystery to us. I'd trust you more if you said that we don't know why weather occurs, that we're basically just guessing based on prior patterns. You can't predict the weather so stop trying. I might pay attention to what you say in your 7 minutes if you came out and said, "We haven't the foggiest..."

That'll Buff Right Out

Bored in ME

And scared

And angry

/////////////////////

Easy boys. Save the urine to drink on those long winter hikes.

Broe

All great artists lose it in the end

How Sexy Is B?

She is so sexy she gives Neal Patrick Harris a Woody

Sbe is so sexy there's going to be a movie made about her. "Britney Jogs"

She is so sexy that she makes Elisabeth Shue jealous

She is so sexy that a bikini wears her

She is so sexy that even after she has four kids, she'll still look better'n all of you

She is so sexy that her voice will be on all GPS soon. And cause millions of accidents.

She is so sexy that she can make crappy albums sound pretty fucking good to me

She is so sexy that her gay backup dancers turn straight

She is so sexy that even bad pictures of her look pretty damn good to me. But then, I'm an idiot

She is so sexy that "Grandma Brit" will be the sexiest grandma ever. Suck it, elevator woman!

She is so sexy that I spell her name Brittney

She is so sexy I'll tell her I want to marry her if I ever talk to her

She is so sexy she makes Richard Simmons hard

She is so sexy

"Flash Job"

The wave of the present

No more will anyone work one job for their entire adult life. Networking for the next job has become a fact of life in America. Every job will end. No more pensions. "Careers" not "jobs".

Oddsmaker

3,000 vs 1?

I like those odds.

But then I went to a MAC school.

Tonight. Not Tomorrow.

I'm sitting here
Participating in life
Touching folks all over America

Tomorrow I'll drive down some ugly street
And everyone (everyone)
Will stare at me
Hating me
Wishing me bad tidings

How To Grocery Shop In Maine

1) Make sure you bring a written list. It is manly to write things down, man.

2) Don't eat anything (ANYTHING) grown or packaged here in the "grate" state of Maine. For some reason it tastes bad. Must be all the snow.

3) Only buy foods packaged elsewhere, preferably far away from the "great" state of Maine, where they have less reig...rain.

4) Be pleasant to all Shaw's and Hannaford's employees. They hate their jobs, too.

5) Leave change in the penny container. For tips.

6) Know that this will end at some point and you'll be able to enjoy some great tasting American grown and raised food once again. Yeah.

7) Don't blame me. I'm just the blogger. We have a union. Don't we?

Reviewed Reviews

When is the last time you read a movie review that you agreed with? I used to wait with bated breath for all the movie reviews to be posted on Friday morning, so I'd know what to see that afternoon.

Now? They're all a joke. Every single one. The New Yorker has good reviews that I trust but they don't write em up until the flick's been out three weeks. The rest are trash and worthless.

The internet is a joke. There is no trust in this world because there is no one to trust.

Hack Hack

My credit card? Chase

4185506000649958 exp 02/13 backside 992

Go crazy, kids

Bad Jokes, We Luv Em

A woman is talking to her husband on the cellular telephone. She is watching the news. "Honey, be careful driving home. The news said that there's a car driving the wrong way on the highway."

The husband replies, "One? There's hundreds of 'em!"

Take the Pepsi Challenge

Drink a glass of that shit

Lookiehere

What. Is. The. Name. Of. The. Horse?

Gary?

Ed?

Horsie?

come on, man

Princess?

Brittany? Britknee? ToeKneeArmAss? Britnneny? Britnee?

Dolores?

What. Is. The. Name. Of. The. Horse?

Secretary?

we don't eat animals that we name, so I presume that food services served up that fucker at wrap

7 Minutes On Abs Is Plenty

If you're over 40 and have abs, I won't trust you. You're deprived

If you're under 30 and don't have abs, I won't trust you. You're lazy