License. To Fuck.

Our 1st Annual Fornication Licenses are going out today. The fee? 1,000 dollars per fuck. No no, wait. $1,000 per couple. Video tape offered to each licensee free of charge.

Brangelina? You get a license, if only to hear Brad scream "Bro!"

Clooney and that gorgeous Stacey Kiebler? You get a license. 60 day permit. We'll take a wait and see approach on that duo.

Tina and What's His Name (tm)? Sure. Fine. But I'll change the channel a lot. 5 minutes is a long time to wait.

Amy and her man? Amy isn't my type. She's bitchin' and all, but she ain't Joe's type. Now Quincy's kid? She my type.

Broe? We don't need no stinkin' license to fuck. We fuck a lot, man. At least twice a week. And yes, I am that big.

Jodie and herself? Two immaculate conceptions means we'd see Jodie do just about anything. We'd even watch "Panic Room" again. (maybe not)

Meryl and her "artist"? She's 50 years old! Are you crazy?

Carey? Mila? Natalie? Brittney? Senator Ayotte? Yes, please!

Jack? He's 50 years old! Are you crazy?

Steven and Kate? He'd be redoing my lighting and doing that stupid director hand thing the whole time. Pass. I'll just watch "1941" again.

Danny? Yes, please, for obvious reasons. Bad boy!

Charlize? Sorry, no license. Your'e not my type, kid. Too perfect.

Michelle? Michelle: If anyone deserves a good sexy time, you do, beautiful. Go crazy.

Viggo and Maria? For real this time. What?

Matt, JAn, Courtney, Lisa, David, and Matt: Can you do it one more time for me? This time on camera? Just like the good old days, right?

Bill and that tennis judge? Yes, please. What?

Sofia and Ty. As long as you guys keep it down. Get it?