Real vs "Reality"

happy days, largely

at least in memory for lots of people like me

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In the first few decades of television, performers were culled from theatre and standup. They lived for their craft

Now, reality television stars think that celebrity is the only product

When, in fact, for the best, celebrity is a by-product

And an annoyance that hinders the real work

I know, I know

Everybody needs a job

I blame "The Real World: New York"

What a bunch of assholes

Tough Love

She and Him?
Yes
Still

You betcha

Why?
I don't know
Does she?
Nope

It's just magic

I'm broke
But not broken
She's the best ever
And the only one for me

Holiday Movies (So Far)

"Young Adult"? Incredibly beautiful.

"MI: Ghost Protocol"? Really DAMN Good!

"New Year's Eve"? Man, did I ever have fun watching this movie!

"Dragon Tattoo"? Walked out. But then, I walk out on a lot of movies, so it may have gotten better.

"The Descendants" Ditto. And it KILLED ME. But I did.

"Hugo" - Disappointment.

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Next up...

Cameron Crowe, Steven Speilberg, and Michelle Williams. To say I'm looking forward to these three would really be an understatement. When the lights go down and the music comes up, I'm always hopeful that the next 100 to 160 minutes will be filled with joy, tears, beauty and all the rest of that shit. You better believe it.

The Sexiest Movies. Of ALL TIMES

Number One = "The Sound of Music"

Two = "Moonstruck"

Three = "It's A Wonderful Life"

Four = "An Officer and a Gentleman"

Next...

"The Breakup", "Fabulous Baker Boys", "Raiders of the Lost Ark", "Frankie and Johnny", "Crossroads", any episode of "Friends", "The Prince of Tides", "Hud", "Witness", "Breaking Away", "All The Right Moves", and "Heathers."

My idea for an SNL skit

"Dr. Bob"

Our guests today include, first, a man who speak in rhyme. Then some VERY pregnant women. Lastly, sexual predators in your bathroom: real or imaginary?

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Dr Bob = Let's give a big Dr. Bob welcome to Fred, a man who speaks in rhyme. Hello Fred!

Fred = Hey, Dr. Bob

Dr Bob = Hold on, young feller. Where's the rhyming?

Fred = Just not into it today. A bit sad, not quite glad

Dr Bob = Ok. Deep breath. Now, we booked you, FRED, with the understanding that you would ..... entertain us by speaking in rhyme. Now, yall gonna do that or is Dr Bob gonna have to get Paterno on your ass?

Fred = Please don't, Bob

Dr Bob = Fucking little shits get booked on MY fucking talk show, and they don't .... entertain. Fuck you Fred! I'm kick your ass sideways to Sunday! Get off my fucking talk show!

Fred = OK

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Dr Bob = That was great. Now, let's get a look at some VERY pregnant women. Come on out, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, and Pam from "The Office." Hey gals!

ladies = Hey Dr. Bob! Thanks for having us on your show! And thanks for making us park soooo close. You're sweet!

Dr Bob = Surely I am, girly girls. Now.... Why so VERY pregnant? Are you normally lazy?

Maya = Not normally

Amy = Fuck you, mustache! I'll take you out, you son of a bitch!

Pam = Yes. I am lazy

Dr Bob = Alright. Got THAT established, don't we? Now, since you're all lazy, my next question is, "Why don't you wear more makeup? Makes a woman look right, if yall ask Dr Bob."

Maya = I'm allergic

Amy = What did I just say, mustache man?

Pam = Yeah, I do wear a bit too much

Dr Bob = OK. So, you're all lazy and don't put enough powder on your alls faces. Next question: Will you go out with me? First, Maya

Maya = I'm married to a kind of famous director. We have 7 kids. And you're not exactly my type, Mustache Man

Amy = I'm up for it. Where would you take me on our first date?

Dr Bob = I'm a downhome country boy, Amys, so yall gonna have to eat some grits and chicken fried steak. The best place in LA to get that is Denny's on Melrose. They have a special table for Dr Bob

Amy = Awesome! I'm free...... Thursday nights. Nothing much to do on THAT night

Dr Bob = Okey dokey Amykin. We're on for this Thursday at 4:30pm at Dr Bob's special table at the Denny's on Melrose. I'll wear my favorite golf shirt and Wranglers, with Dr Bob's snakeskin cowboy boots that cost Dr Bob $1,995 back on in Texas

Amy = Can I bring my kids?

Dr Bob = On to you, Pam. When we goin' out?

Pam = Whenever

Dr Bob = Eeeewwww. That was too easy, girl. I like the thrill of the chase

Pam = So we're not going out?

Dr Bob = Let's see how Amy puts out. I may get back to you, hon

A Very Letterman Christmas

Presents from Harry to "Dave"

stress ball
20 tiny bottles of liquor
Gi Joe


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Presents from Dad to Harry

model train set worth $25,000
soccer ball
jumbo pack of tube socks
tricycle
2 pains Toughskins
Converse sneaks
Cubs jersey, #99, that says "Harry Letterman" on back

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2012

3-1-12

President Obama abdicates White House for the love of his life, former UNC point guard and 1982 national champion Jimmy Black. They move to a gated community on Hilton Head Island, and live happily ever after


3-2-12

VP Biden becomes 45th President Of The United States. First day in office spent watching tapes of University of Delaware's 1AA National Championship game win in 2003. What memories for the Hens! Reverse Angle and everything! Cool!


3-3-12

Now, on to business: The do nothing White House staff. President Biden fires all those Chicago limpdicks, replacing them with his cronies from the smallest state in the country. No, not Rhode Island. Delaware. Good move Joe!


4-1-12

The President, or "Mother Hen" as he is affectionaly called in staff meetings by the cabinet, decides to declare war on the Dominican Republic. "Those guys have the ballplayers that this country so richly desires. The only solution? Invade. Like Germany into Poland. Wait, not good. Like Germany into Russia. Shit. Like the Soviets into Afghanistan. MUTHERFUCKER! Can one of you twerps come up with a better analagy?" Secretary of State Rachal Maddow: "Cowboys and Indians?" "That's good, Madam Secretary! That's good!" "We'll invade that pissant lil' nation and show em that America won't take our shitty baseball players lying down. Unleash Hell!"


4-20-12

The 2012 NCAA Women's Division I National Champions from Baylor University visit Mother Hen in the White House for official photo and handshakes. VP Biden asks Brittany Griner, "Hows the weather up there?" Coach Kimmee has players line up on White House lawn according to height, birth date, political affiliation, and whether they are cirmcumsized or not, telling players to "Don't look the President in the eye for too long. But don't look away, either. Look him right dere in his eyes, but don't creep him out. I want you to stare at the man for a good, oh, three and 1/12 seconds, then look down. Is that understandable? If that doesn't work out, I got a few timeouts I can cal. Right? Right, staff? It's like I do everything around here. Ok, girls? Got that? Screw it. Let's go back to the hotel and watch another episode of "White Shadow". This is too much pressure. I don't handle pressure well."


5-1-12

The invasion of the DR goes well. Only 2,000 American Gis KIA. A rounding error, according to some government officials. "Baseball Academies" are set up in Utah and Nevade to "teach" the "infidels" the "American way of playing baseball." These punks respond well. According to commandante Hans Blickmer, the Dominicans will be ready to play professional baseball in the States in "Five, ten years."


6-25-12

The Chicago Bulls and playoff MVP Derrick Rose are crowned NBA Champions following a tough, grueling, five game series versus the Portland Trail Blazers and their superstar center, Greg Oden, who had been named to the All-Star team, Defensive Player of the Year, Comeback Player of the Year, and Executive of the Year (for signing with Portland despite the assholes on the internet who want him to go back to whittling) during the 2011-12 season.


7-1-12

Summer movies arrive in theaters just as school is getting out. Among the new fare: "Titanic Vs Predator" is expected to be the summer's biggest blockbuster, "Bull Durham 2 - Coaching in the Sally League" opens nationwide in 125 theatres. Average per screen opening weekend? $145.14 per. Costner announces plans to make a movie about Charlie Sheen, starring Kevin Costner. Other movies hitting the big screen: Nic Cage in "MMA Male Cheerleader: It's not just the guys IN the ring who are badass!" Clint Eastwood in "Unforgiven 2 - Ol' West Nursing Home", Meryl in "Sophie's Choice: They Live! - In 3D"

Abuse Crimes and Statute of Limitations - Tough Call

link

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"Sex" abuse crimes, today, tend to not be reported until the victims come forward many years later. And most states have statute of limitations regarding most any crime except murder. What is to be done?

I have no idea.

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It is not right that the abuser gets away with it. Ever. But should a fat old fuck like Conlin, dead eyed and sleazy, be sent to jail for the horrible, horrible things he did 40 years ago? He should suffer a price for his bad deeds, but on the other hand, statute of limitations are usually good laws because cops and prosecutors can't be chasing down shoplifters for 25 years. The dismantling of statute of limitations restrictions regarding "sex" crimes should be done very, very carefullly.

We. Do. Not. Want. Thousand and thousands of these cases ripping this nation apart.

But "sex" abuse happens in most every household. Not by a family friend, not by the creepy stranger, but usually by Dad. And sometimes by Mom.

This is the biggest dilemma facing our society. Outside of the war in Afghanistan. And the lack of career opportunities. And the do nothing Congress. Oh, and the fact that winter is coming in the real states, the states that count. Um....and the Celtics not having a real center. That sucks, too. But other than that, we're good. Yeah.

(Pats) Ground Jesus

It's a brand new world in the NFL. Tim Tebow has broken the mold of what a quarterback can be. The Broncs can win a Super Bowl with this dude. Yes, they can. He's that good.

There are now three teams running the spread option: Denver, Carolina with Cam Newton, and Philly, once Vick gets hurt again and Vince Young becomes the starter. That's 10% of the league. Who's next?

///////////////////////

The Broncs had their 12th man (Elway), and we got ours (Mike Carey). Who's do you like better?

///////////////////////

"Fear the ball, Ball!"

Lance Ball to Mike Carey: "You're freaking me out, man!" Ball fumbles ball. Disaster ensues for Broncs. Ball, on sidelines, tells God/god to "Go to hell." God/god says, "I'll be done with Philly about 2:34:599 am EST Sunday. Dude." Ball doesn't have a witty comeback for God/god.

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Pats D-Lineman Mark Anderson, out of 'Bama, made a "Honey Bear play": A strip and recovery. Yes, that's what you call a "Honey Bear Play"

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As the Pats widen their lead, I think to myself, "Thanks, Gator Nation. You're a pretty cool group down there in Gainesville"

"New Year's Eve" -Rockin'

I had a terrific time at the Westbrook Cinemagic last night watching Garry Marshall's "New Year's Eve." Really good, fun stuff

================

Here's the lowdown...

================

Michelle -- Why so sad, Shelley? You. Look. Amazing. Miss your stuff. Can white women dance? A little. A little

Zac -- White boys CAN dance. Nice tan, dude. Next time, try medium well, not well

Bob D. -- The stubble look is over. Don't you know any models to inform you of this? First good movie you've been in in some fucking time, man

Halle -- You are such an angry woman. You don't fool Joe. What a beauty. What a sad beauty

Cary -- Good to see you, man

Alyssa Milano -- Babe

Common -- Dude

Jessica Biel -- Headstands? I can barely stand on my fucking feet

Seth -- Sexy. Quite sexy. Jessica is quite, quite sexy. Not you, Seth. Jessica

Carla Gugino -- Nice name to say, right? Babe, too, obviously. Thighs that could crush you like a grape

Katherine H. -- Where's the laugh lines, hon? Try the Charlize Treatment for your career, is my advice. But you a-ight

Jon Bon fucking Jovi -- Ease up on the teeth whitener. And, not like you didn't know this, but Bon Jovi music kicks some serious fucking ass, man. But it's your life and your career. Salud. Thanks for the music

Sofia -- Funny broad, despite the weird accent. Talk English, fer Chris' sakes, woman!

Lea -- Those dimples! That voice! You're short!

Jim -- Did Kutcher miss that line? Pajamas? It's a movie, dude. Take it serious. You're not in Demi's private Idaho anymore. I would think you could afford a pain of chinos,boy

SJP -- Unbelievable taste and backbone. Tough as nails. She amazes me. She just amazes me, what she has done with her life and career

Abigail Breslin -- Welcome to the Club!

Josh Duhamel -- This is a good looking man. Seriously

Penny -- MORE

Amare' -- Great job, dude! Get the Oscar speech ready, mutherfucker! You it! Can't wait to see the tux! Colored?

Hilary Swank -- Chills. This is a tough woman. She can fight, she can act, she can do literally anything she sets her mind to. Senator Swank? Now we talkin'!

Ludacris -- Bad role

Elizando -- What I said about Sofia. How long you been in this country?

Mr. Mayor -- Keep on working hard and you may get somewhere

Matthew -- Same for SJP goes for you. Kisses (memories)

==========

The old fart can still get it done, can't he?

Thanks, Garry

Andy Dick's "D Three"

Coming to a video store near you. Soon

Budget? $100 million dollars

Best Line? "Because there's no D Four!"

Hey Clip Man, Let's Get Something Straight Between Us...

...you got hosed in the Paul deal, basketball wise. One of the most lopsided trades in the history of basketball at first glance.

I know, I know, you need to sell the Clipper "brand" and Paul is your A-Rod now. How'd dat work out for Cash-man?

And the salary cap effects? Me no understand salary cap. Bore Joe. Salary cap not fun to talk or read. Joe bored writing sentence about salary cap.

============

The Clips gave up:

Eric Gorden - 22 per last season, undersized shooting guard, can start and be second best player on a contender imo

Chris Kaman - can play, nothing great but can play on a 50 game winner, bald

Aminu - talented, very talented, but there's lots of guys like that, I wouldn't bet on the Clip Man knowing whether this Deacon was gonna blow up, or blow up, if you know what I mean, could be solid starter in this league

AND Minny's '12 unprotected 1st


The Clips get:

Chris Paul -- really good point guard, in fact he is a better point guard than Gordon is a shooting guard, but not by a lot

============

The Buffalo/San Diego/Los Angeles Clippers: Still Tryin'

Seth, You No Grant (?)

seth davis, SI "writer" and CBS "broadcaster", thinks that IU should have brought in Marines and GIs on their way home from theRaq to police the crowd after Indiana's monumental, historic win over bad, bad UK Saturday.

Are you fucking kidding me, davis? The Kentucky players were totally safe, from what I could tell. A lot of it is because it's the rare college sporting event that sells alcohol (I'll bet you a million bucks that IU doesn't sell booze at game), so drunks can't club anyone over the head after a win or loss.

That celebration in Bloomington was the coolest moment of this young college b-ball season, seth.

Come on. Have some fun! We rollin' now.

Pitt football

winning

It's always about fucking

It is my belief that there is no such thing as a natural lesbian. Women are biologically designed to reproduce. To do that, they need a male sperm donor. Something has to have happened in childhood, some type of trauma involving a man, for a woman to not want to have sex with males. I could be wrong, but I doubt it

Now, the question of gay men? I have no idea WHY that happens, I just know that the majority of males in this country are gay

Play Ball

Pistol Pete

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When's the last time you caught your breath after a great pass?

I...

...can't wait for the big UK-IU game tomorrow afternoon! Must see TV!

Good News. Yes, Good News

AAU up next

================

You kidding me? All y'all don't have to hide out anymore. There's crooked cops and there's incompetent cops, shitty DAs, and federal judges on the take, but overall this shit is moving in the right direction.

Years and years from now, we'll look back at 2011 as the turning point

Son of Bitch. Shit.

er...Britch. (shit)...

-----------------

Well, that didn't work so good. Fuck you. We're on strike....

....starting....NOW. And we're timing you

How long can this take? We're running out of .......

Bros

Manzeers

Broes

Manzeers

Fuck you all then

Watched UConn Women "play" Last Night...

...so sad. Where are the greats, like...

Diana? Nykesha? um.....

that cute tall girl

the hottie point guard

many others whom I won't name for fear of making my gf mad. you know who you are, girls

============

Honestly, it looks like the season is over. When you can only beat the defending national champions by 80, you have exactly ZERO chance of winning 6. No chance

============

Brianna. Is. Going to be playing for the Huskies next year. She'll get them in shape (their fitness clearly is poor) and maybe score a few points along the way

BRIANNA! I'm telling ya. One to watch. She may save the program

FUN(D) RAISING

Still ongoing

----------------------

Go see "J. Edgar" -- really good

READ READ READ

don't "play" soccer -- play soccer

Pink is coming

3D could be 36DD for all I care -- a good movie is a good movie, a bad movie is a bad movie

SI kicks ESPN's ass in a lot of ways, but I couldn't live without my ESPN

a picture's worth a thousand pages

it's almost Christmas here in Maine and we don't have any snowfall

exercise is fun. all types. if it isn't fun, you fucking up

"Modern Family" - true

J-E-T-S

I don't know much about Winnipeg, but I know they're in trouble

This Blogging "Business" Is Sure Cutthroat

Man, that sucks

Got lots to say

Lots of time to say it

Are you whom I'm talking about?

Could be

Or maybe not

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