2012
3-1-12
President Obama abdicates White House for the love of his life, former UNC point guard and 1982 national champion Jimmy Black. They move to a gated community on Hilton Head Island, and live happily ever after
3-2-12
VP Biden becomes 45th President Of The United States. First day in office spent watching tapes of University of Delaware's 1AA National Championship game win in 2003. What memories for the Hens! Reverse Angle and everything! Cool!
3-3-12
Now, on to business: The do nothing White House staff. President Biden fires all those Chicago limpdicks, replacing them with his cronies from the smallest state in the country. No, not Rhode Island. Delaware. Good move Joe!
4-1-12
The President, or "Mother Hen" as he is affectionaly called in staff meetings by the cabinet, decides to declare war on the Dominican Republic. "Those guys have the ballplayers that this country so richly desires. The only solution? Invade. Like Germany into Poland. Wait, not good. Like Germany into Russia. Shit. Like the Soviets into Afghanistan. MUTHERFUCKER! Can one of you twerps come up with a better analagy?" Secretary of State Rachal Maddow: "Cowboys and Indians?" "That's good, Madam Secretary! That's good!" "We'll invade that pissant lil' nation and show em that America won't take our shitty baseball players lying down. Unleash Hell!"
4-20-12
The 2012 NCAA Women's Division I National Champions from Baylor University visit Mother Hen in the White House for official photo and handshakes. VP Biden asks Brittany Griner, "Hows the weather up there?" Coach Kimmee has players line up on White House lawn according to height, birth date, political affiliation, and whether they are cirmcumsized or not, telling players to "Don't look the President in the eye for too long. But don't look away, either. Look him right dere in his eyes, but don't creep him out. I want you to stare at the man for a good, oh, three and 1/12 seconds, then look down. Is that understandable? If that doesn't work out, I got a few timeouts I can cal. Right? Right, staff? It's like I do everything around here. Ok, girls? Got that? Screw it. Let's go back to the hotel and watch another episode of "White Shadow". This is too much pressure. I don't handle pressure well."
5-1-12
The invasion of the DR goes well. Only 2,000 American Gis KIA. A rounding error, according to some government officials. "Baseball Academies" are set up in Utah and Nevade to "teach" the "infidels" the "American way of playing baseball." These punks respond well. According to commandante Hans Blickmer, the Dominicans will be ready to play professional baseball in the States in "Five, ten years."
6-25-12
The Chicago Bulls and playoff MVP Derrick Rose are crowned NBA Champions following a tough, grueling, five game series versus the Portland Trail Blazers and their superstar center, Greg Oden, who had been named to the All-Star team, Defensive Player of the Year, Comeback Player of the Year, and Executive of the Year (for signing with Portland despite the assholes on the internet who want him to go back to whittling) during the 2011-12 season.
7-1-12
Summer movies arrive in theaters just as school is getting out. Among the new fare: "Titanic Vs Predator" is expected to be the summer's biggest blockbuster, "Bull Durham 2 - Coaching in the Sally League" opens nationwide in 125 theatres. Average per screen opening weekend? $145.14 per. Costner announces plans to make a movie about Charlie Sheen, starring Kevin Costner. Other movies hitting the big screen: Nic Cage in "MMA Male Cheerleader: It's not just the guys IN the ring who are badass!" Clint Eastwood in "Unforgiven 2 - Ol' West Nursing Home", Meryl in "Sophie's Choice: They Live! - In 3D"
President Obama abdicates White House for the love of his life, former UNC point guard and 1982 national champion Jimmy Black. They move to a gated community on Hilton Head Island, and live happily ever after
3-2-12
VP Biden becomes 45th President Of The United States. First day in office spent watching tapes of University of Delaware's 1AA National Championship game win in 2003. What memories for the Hens! Reverse Angle and everything! Cool!
3-3-12
Now, on to business: The do nothing White House staff. President Biden fires all those Chicago limpdicks, replacing them with his cronies from the smallest state in the country. No, not Rhode Island. Delaware. Good move Joe!
4-1-12
The President, or "Mother Hen" as he is affectionaly called in staff meetings by the cabinet, decides to declare war on the Dominican Republic. "Those guys have the ballplayers that this country so richly desires. The only solution? Invade. Like Germany into Poland. Wait, not good. Like Germany into Russia. Shit. Like the Soviets into Afghanistan. MUTHERFUCKER! Can one of you twerps come up with a better analagy?" Secretary of State Rachal Maddow: "Cowboys and Indians?" "That's good, Madam Secretary! That's good!" "We'll invade that pissant lil' nation and show em that America won't take our shitty baseball players lying down. Unleash Hell!"
4-20-12
The 2012 NCAA Women's Division I National Champions from Baylor University visit Mother Hen in the White House for official photo and handshakes. VP Biden asks Brittany Griner, "Hows the weather up there?" Coach Kimmee has players line up on White House lawn according to height, birth date, political affiliation, and whether they are cirmcumsized or not, telling players to "Don't look the President in the eye for too long. But don't look away, either. Look him right dere in his eyes, but don't creep him out. I want you to stare at the man for a good, oh, three and 1/12 seconds, then look down. Is that understandable? If that doesn't work out, I got a few timeouts I can cal. Right? Right, staff? It's like I do everything around here. Ok, girls? Got that? Screw it. Let's go back to the hotel and watch another episode of "White Shadow". This is too much pressure. I don't handle pressure well."
5-1-12
The invasion of the DR goes well. Only 2,000 American Gis KIA. A rounding error, according to some government officials. "Baseball Academies" are set up in Utah and Nevade to "teach" the "infidels" the "American way of playing baseball." These punks respond well. According to commandante Hans Blickmer, the Dominicans will be ready to play professional baseball in the States in "Five, ten years."
6-25-12
The Chicago Bulls and playoff MVP Derrick Rose are crowned NBA Champions following a tough, grueling, five game series versus the Portland Trail Blazers and their superstar center, Greg Oden, who had been named to the All-Star team, Defensive Player of the Year, Comeback Player of the Year, and Executive of the Year (for signing with Portland despite the assholes on the internet who want him to go back to whittling) during the 2011-12 season.
7-1-12
Summer movies arrive in theaters just as school is getting out. Among the new fare: "Titanic Vs Predator" is expected to be the summer's biggest blockbuster, "Bull Durham 2 - Coaching in the Sally League" opens nationwide in 125 theatres. Average per screen opening weekend? $145.14 per. Costner announces plans to make a movie about Charlie Sheen, starring Kevin Costner. Other movies hitting the big screen: Nic Cage in "MMA Male Cheerleader: It's not just the guys IN the ring who are badass!" Clint Eastwood in "Unforgiven 2 - Ol' West Nursing Home", Meryl in "Sophie's Choice: They Live! - In 3D"
posted by joe sweeney at 8:33 AM
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